Quote

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Phones
Speaking
Please
Humor
Funny
Voice
Ringing
Home
Picked
Phone

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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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