Quote

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
World
Sure
Oysters
Getting
Vines
Funny
Lift
Give
Lifts
Look
Car
Looks
Humor
Bloke
Giving
Says
Blokes
Great
Comedy
Oyster

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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