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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
World
Sure
Oysters
Getting
Vines
Funny
Lift
Give
Lifts
Look
Car
Looks
Humor
Bloke
Giving
Says
Blokes
Great
Comedy
Oyster

More quotes by Tim Vine

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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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