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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
World
Sure
Oysters
Getting
Vines
Funny
Lift
Give
Lifts
Look
Car
Looks
Humor
Bloke
Giving
Says
Blokes
Great
Comedy
Oyster

More quotes by Tim Vine

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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, I want you to trace someone for me.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
Tim Vine
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine