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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Funny
Lift
Give
Lifts
Look
Car
Looks
Humor
Bloke
Giving
Says
Blokes
Great
Comedy
Oyster
World
Sure
Oysters
Getting
Vines

More quotes by Tim Vine

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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
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I went into a shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle. The bloke said Kenwood I said, Where is he?
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
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One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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