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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Looks
Humor
Bloke
Giving
Says
Blokes
Great
Comedy
Oyster
World
Sure
Oysters
Getting
Vines
Funny
Lift
Give
Lifts
Look
Car

More quotes by Tim Vine

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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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Velcro: what a rip-off.
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
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My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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My mate asked me What do you think of voluntary work? I said I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
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My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
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For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'
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