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So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Tim Vine

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Tim Vine
Age: 57
Born: 1967
Born: March 4
Actor
Comedian
Television Presenter
Writer
Timothy Mark Vine
Punslinger
Looks
Humor
Bloke
Giving
Says
Blokes
Great
Comedy
Oyster
World
Sure
Oysters
Getting
Vines
Funny
Lift
Give
Lifts
Look
Car

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So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it, he said Those are pickled onions.
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
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You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
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I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
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Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
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I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.
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I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him I'm frightened of lapels. He said, You've got cholera.
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Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue. I said No, just a watch.
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Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
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So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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