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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Tim Allen

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Tim Allen
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: June 13
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Racing Automobile Driver
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Denver
Colorado
Timothy Alan Dick
Point
History
Tell
Chinese
View
Depends
Views

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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.
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Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It's more of a ... it's not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!
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When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, And let there be aluminum siding. Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
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Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.
Tim Allen