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Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Tim Allen

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Tim Allen
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: June 13
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Racing Automobile Driver
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Denver
Colorado
Timothy Alan Dick
Aren
Men
Sears

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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
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The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, God, I wish I'd done this yeah, but I did do that. Then it kind of balances out.
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When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
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Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.
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If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, And let there be aluminum siding. Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
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Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.
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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
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