Quote

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Tim Allen

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Tim Allen
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: June 13
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Racing Automobile Driver
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Denver
Colorado
Timothy Alan Dick
Giving
Shots
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Decided
Sentencing
Took
Awaiting
Comedy
Suggested
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Shot
Give
Seriously
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Judge

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If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.
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The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.
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Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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I may go back and spice it up with a little bit of the tool stuff and grunting and all that that I know so well. But it feels like I'm rehashing old material. And some of my audiences like that. So I'm there to entertain. I'm not there to make a political statement or anything like that. I'm there to entertain.
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.
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There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, And let there be aluminum siding. Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
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I have a thing for tools.
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But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It's more of a ... it's not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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