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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Tim Allen

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Tim Allen
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: June 13
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Racing Automobile Driver
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Denver
Colorado
Timothy Alan Dick
Giving
Shots
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Decided
Sentencing
Took
Awaiting
Comedy
Suggested
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Shot
Give
Seriously
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Judge

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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.
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Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, God, I wish I'd done this yeah, but I did do that. Then it kind of balances out.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if, so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.
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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It's more of a ... it's not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, .. Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.
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I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
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