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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Tim Allen

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Tim Allen
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: June 13
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Racing Automobile Driver
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Denver
Colorado
Timothy Alan Dick
Careers
Humor
Lawn
Alive
Lawns
Funny
Maintenance
Mother
Vehicle
Care
Witty
Reason
Mom
Men
Car

More quotes by Tim Allen

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Man is the only animal to borrow tools.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!
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When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.
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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
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Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, And let there be aluminum siding. Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
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My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.
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Now the denominator ... why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator ... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it? [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction!
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I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you've made, let's be fair, that means you've got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you've done. It's okay to say, God, I wish I'd done this yeah, but I did do that. Then it kind of balances out.
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