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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Tim Allen

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Tim Allen
Age: 71
Born: 1953
Born: June 13
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Racing Automobile Driver
Television Actor
Television Presenter
Voice Actor
Denver
Colorado
Timothy Alan Dick
Care
Witty
Reason
Mom
Men
Car
Careers
Humor
Lawn
Alive
Lawns
Funny
Maintenance
Mother
Vehicle

More quotes by Tim Allen

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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.
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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
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I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.
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The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.
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If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.
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Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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I think there's a percentage [of the audience] that don't realize, that don't know that [standup] is how everything began. We planned it, we work hard, rehearsals to get this. It's more of a ... it's not just coming in there in a T-shirt and holding a microphone.
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My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
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If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.
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Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.
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Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.
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When you're 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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