Never drink more than one cocktail before giving a talk. True, the drinks may relax you, but they may also slur your speech and blur your memory, making you wonder who are all those people out there and why are they staring at you?

If you have older children who avoid you like the plague, buy yourself some expensive bath salts, run a hot tub, and settle in for a long soak. Teenagers who haven't talked to you since their tenth birthday will bang on the door, demanding your immediate attention.

to balance my own checkbook each month, I simply record whatever is necessary in the following manner: '37 cents to cover embezzlement by somebody at the bank.

My husband and I speak an ancient language called grammatical English, and the kids speak a strange dialect which is difficult to decode because it is based on only four phrases: 'Huh,' 'I dunno,' 'It's not my turn,' and 'I do everything around here!

Of course the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Why do you think the neighbors put up the fence?

No matter what sign you were born under, everybody else's horoscope will be more fun than yours.