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...and my loneliness, always my loneliness - that airless bubble of despair that is slowing stifling me.

Tabitha Suzuma

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Tabitha Suzuma
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: January 1
Writer
London
England
Tabitha Sayo Victoria Anne Suzuma
Airless
Stifling
Slowing
Bubble
Bubbles
Loneliness
Despair
Always

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This is the definition of happiness: a whole day stretching out ahead of me, beautiful in its emptiness and simplicity.
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It's always nice being wanted. Even if it's by the wrong person.
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Willa’s big blue eyes, Willa’s dimpled-cheeked smile. Tiffin’s shaggy blond mane, Tiffin’s cheeky grin. Kit’s yells of excitement, Kit’s glow of pride. Maya’s face, Maya’s kisses, Maya’s love. Maya, Maya, Maya . . .
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I don't know when it started - this thing - bit it's growing, muffling me, suffocating me like poison ivy. I grew into it. It grew into me. We blurred at the edges, became an amorphous, seeping, crawling thing.
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He is my soul mate, my fresh air, the reason I look forward to getting up every morning.
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She can't just be a face, a body there has to be more than that, some kind of connection. And I can't connect, don't want to connect, with anyone.
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But I don't want to be fine, not if it means she's going to let go of my hand not if it means we're going to go back to being polite strangers.
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I want to tell her that I can't pull her down. I want to tell her that she has to let go of my hand in order to swim. I want to tell her that she must live her own life. But I sense she already knows that these options are open to her. And that she, too, has made her choice.
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What else could he possibly have done? What choices did he ever have?
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Family: the most important thing of all. My siblings may drive me crazy at times but they are my blood. They’re all I’ve known. My family is me. They are my life. Without them I walk the planet alone. Forbidden, Tabitha Suzuma
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I might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately trying to pretend we're all the same.
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If I keep breathing, then I have to keep living, and if I keep living, then I have to keep hurting, and I can't - not like this.
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I can’t tell you. I can’t tell you of all people. Throughout my life you were the one person I could turn to. The one person I could always count on to understand. And now that I’ve lost you, I’ve lost everything.
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At what point do you give up - decide enough is enough? There is only one answer really. Never.
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How-how can we make it against the whole world?
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I mean, at the end of the day, what the hell does it matter who I end up with if it can't be you?
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Otherwise I'll fall apart. I'm going to fall apart. I am falling apart.
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The sight of such aching beauty would infuse his soul with pain.
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Even though I'm surrounded by pupils, there is the invisible screen screen between us, and behind the glass wall I am screaming - screaming in my own silence, screaming to be noticed, to be befriended, to be liked.
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It's horrible being ashamed of someone you care about it eats away at you. And if you let it get to you, if you give up the fight and surrender, eventually that shame turns to hate.
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