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Even though I'm surrounded by pupils, there is the invisible screen screen between us, and behind the glass wall I am screaming - screaming in my own silence, screaming to be noticed, to be befriended, to be liked.

Tabitha Suzuma

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Tabitha Suzuma
Age: 49
Born: 1975
Born: January 1
Writer
London
England
Tabitha Sayo Victoria Anne Suzuma
Behind
Screen
Silence
Glass
Though
Screens
Even
Glasses
Befriended
Invisible
Pupils
Liked
Screaming
Behinds
Surrounded
Wall
Noticed

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He is my soul mate, my fresh air, the reason I look forward to getting up every morning.
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There are no laws, no boundaries on feelings.We can love each other as much and as deeply as we want.No one, Maya, no one can ever take that away from us.
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Get through today – you can fall apart tomorrow. Get through tomorrow, you can fall apart the day after . . .
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How-how can we make it against the whole world?
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At what point does a fly give up trying to escape through a closed window – do its survival instincts keep it going until it is physically capable of no more, or does it eventually learn after one crash too many that there is no way out? At what point do you decide that enough is enough?
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Pressed up against him, I can feel the thud of his heart against mine, his ribcase expanding and contracting rapidly against my chest, the warm whisper of his breath tickling the side of my neck, the brush of his leg against my thigh. Resting my arms on his shoulders, I pull back a little to get a look at his face. But he isn't smiling any more.
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At what point do you give up - decide enough is enough? There is only one answer really. Never.
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And this is something I must accept - even if, like acid on metal, it is slowly corroding me inside.
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Do I realy regret that night? That one moment of joy beyond compare – some people never experience it in a lifetime. But the downside to that taste of pure happiness is that,like a drug, a glimmer of paradise, it leaves you craving more.
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Willa’s big blue eyes, Willa’s dimpled-cheeked smile. Tiffin’s shaggy blond mane, Tiffin’s cheeky grin. Kit’s yells of excitement, Kit’s glow of pride. Maya’s face, Maya’s kisses, Maya’s love. Maya, Maya, Maya . . .
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Lochie. The boy I once loved. The boy I still love. The boy I will continue to love, even when my part in this world is over too.
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I mean, at the end of the day, what the hell does it matter who I end up with if it can't be you?
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You cannot undo the past you can only learn to live with it, find some way of making peace with it, and move on.
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It's horrible being ashamed of someone you care about it eats away at you. And if you let it get to you, if you give up the fight and surrender, eventually that shame turns to hate.
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If I move, if I speak, if I so much as blink, I'm going to lose this battle.
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I don't know when it started - this thing - bit it's growing, muffling me, suffocating me like poison ivy. I grew into it. It grew into me. We blurred at the edges, became an amorphous, seeping, crawling thing.
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If I keep breathing, then I have to keep living, and if I keep living, then I have to keep hurting, and I can't - not like this.
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Trying to describe my life and feelings to you is like trying to describe coulours to the blind, or music to the deaf. It's simply not possible.
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What else could he possibly have done? What choices did he ever have?
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Before there was anything, there was Lochan.
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