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I may have made a straight A in physics, but I was panic-struck. Physics made me sick the whole time I learned it.

Sylvia Plath

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Sylvia Plath
Age: 30 †
Born: 1932
Born: October 27
Died: 1963
Died: February 11
Autobiographer
Diarist
Essayist
Novelist
Poet
Writer
Boston
Massachusetts
Victoria Lucas
Sylvia Plath Hughes
Straight
Sick
Learned
May
Whole
Made
Struck
Time
Panic
Physics

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Pretty soon, the only doubt in my mind was the precise time and method of committing suicide. The only alternative I could see was an eternity of hell for the rest of my life in a mental hospital, and I was going to use my last ounce of free choice and choose a quick clean ending.
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But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it.
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You smile. No, it is not fatal.
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In this particular tub, two knees jut up like icebergs, while minute brown hairs rise on arms and legs in a fringe of kelp green soap navigates the tidal slosh of seas breaking on legendary beaches in faith we shall board our imagined ship and wildly sail among sacred islands of the mad till death shatters the fabulous stars and makes us real.
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If every soldier refused to take arms ... there would be no wars but no one has the courage to be the first to live according to Christ and Socrates, because in a world of opportunists they would be martyred.
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That afternoon my mother had brought me the roses. Save them for my funeral, I'd said.
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God, it was good to let go, let the tight mask fall off, and the bewildered, chaotic fragments pour out. It was the purge, the catharsis.
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To learn and think to think and live to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.
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I tried to speak in a cool, calm way, but the zombie rose up in my throat and choked me off.
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I talk to God but the sky is empty.
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See, the darkness is leaking from the cracks. I cannot contain it. I cannot contain my life.
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I collected men with interesting names. I already knew a Socrates. He was tall and ugly and intellectual and the son of some big Greek movie producer in Hollywood, but also a Catholic, which ruined it for both of us.
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I buried my head under the darkness of the pillow and pretended it was night. I couldn't see the point of getting up. I had nothing to look forward to.
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I am too pure for you or anyone.
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I am but one more drop in the great sea of matter, defined, with the ability to realize my existence.
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My life is a discipline, a prison: I live for my own work, without which I am nothing.
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What I cannot forgive is dishonesty - and no matter what, or how hard, I would rather know the truth of which I today had such a clear & devastating vision from his mouth than hear foul evasions, blurrings and rattiness.
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The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.
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But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defensless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.
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Is anyone anywhere happy?
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