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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ovens
Metal
Metals
Supposed
Humor
Funny
Microwave
Right
Microwaves
Oven
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
