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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Ovens
Metal
Metals
Supposed
Humor
Funny
Microwave
Right
Microwaves
Oven

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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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