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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Behinds
Sideburns
Friend
Braces
Behind
Wears
Humor
George
Funny
Teeth
Think
Weird
Thinking
False
People
Ears
More quotes by Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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