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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Thinking
False
People
Ears
Behinds
Sideburns
Friend
Braces
Behind
Wears
Humor
George
Funny
Teeth
Think
Weird
More quotes by Steven Wright
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
