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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
George
Funny
Teeth
Think
Weird
Thinking
False
People
Ears
Behinds
Sideburns
Friend
Braces
Behind
Wears
More quotes by Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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What do batteries run on?
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I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
