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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Saws
Furry
Humor
Coat
Funny
Coats
Made
Vegetarian
Closer
Wearing
Grass
Looked
More quotes by Steven Wright
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
