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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Rise
Sun
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Left
Lighthouse
Next
Night
Forgot

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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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