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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Forgot
Rise
Sun
Wouldn
Humor
Funny
Left
Next
Lighthouse
More quotes by Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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