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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Food
Funny
Fired
Jobs
Store
Used
Stores
Work
Straight
Drinking
Health

More quotes by Steven Wright

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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright