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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Fired
Jobs
Store
Used
Stores
Work
Straight
Drinking
Health
Humor
Food

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright