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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Jobs
Store
Used
Stores
Work
Straight
Drinking
Health
Humor
Food
Funny
Fired

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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