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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Work
Straight
Drinking
Health
Humor
Food
Funny
Fired
Jobs
Store
Used
Stores
More quotes by Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
