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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yesterday
Humor
Four
Funny
Years

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
Steven Wright
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
Steven Wright
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright