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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yesterday
Humor
Four
Funny
Years

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright