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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yesterday
Humor
Four
Funny
Years

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright