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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yesterday
Humor
Four
Funny
Years

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
Steven Wright
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright