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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Yesterday
Humor
Four
Funny
Years

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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What do batteries run on?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
Steven Wright