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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Live
Like
Drowning
Edge
Edges
Close
Humor
Water
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright