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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Live
Like
Drowning
Edge
Edges
Close
Humor
Water
More quotes by Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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