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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Water
Funny
Live
Like
Drowning
Edge
Edges
Close
More quotes by Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I took a baby shower.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
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