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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Pretty
Funny
Good
Would
Time
Limbo
Practicing
Spend

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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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