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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Shower
Showers
Took
Baby
Humor
Funny
More quotes by Steven Wright
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Steven Wright
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright