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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Replay
Thought
Game
Scored
Better
Team
Figured
Years
Year
Showed
Games
Grandfather
Funny
Instant
Gonna
Touchdown
Tell
Watching
Touchdowns
Another

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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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