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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Round
Night
Rounds
Trying
Bored
Curved
Passing
Kinda
Tired
Painted
Humor
Roads
Went
Infinity
Lines
Passings
More quotes by Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I took a baby shower.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
