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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Passing
Kinda
Tired
Painted
Humor
Roads
Went
Infinity
Lines
Passings
Funny
Round
Night
Rounds
Trying
Bored
Curved
More quotes by Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright