Quote

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Time
Watch
Humor
Numbers
Grandfather
Told
Accurate
Says
Guess
Funny
Gave
Doesn
Asked
Hands
Watches

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright