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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Told
Accurate
Says
Guess
Funny
Gave
Doesn
Asked
Hands
Watches
Time
Watch
Humor
Numbers
Grandfather
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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What do batteries run on?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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