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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Told
Accurate
Says
Guess
Funny
Gave
Doesn
Asked
Hands
Watches
Time
Watch
Humor
Numbers
Grandfather
More quotes by Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I took a baby shower.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
