Quote

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Says
Guess
Funny
Gave
Doesn
Asked
Hands
Watches
Time
Watch
Humor
Numbers
Grandfather
Told
Accurate

More quotes by Steven Wright

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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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