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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Hands
Watches
Time
Watch
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Grandfather
Told
Accurate
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Asked
More quotes by Steven Wright
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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