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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Tinsel
Snakes
Mirrors
Humor
Funny
Really

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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