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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mirrors
Humor
Funny
Really
Tinsel
Snakes

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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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