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It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fine
Funny
Night
Evening
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
What do batteries run on?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
Steven Wright