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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Million
Humor
Millions
Funny
Rented
Give
Ticket
Back
Lottery
Giving
Tickets
Dollars

More quotes by Steven Wright

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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Steven Wright
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright