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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Giving
Tickets
Dollars
Million
Humor
Millions
Funny
Rented
Give
Ticket
Back
Lottery
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
