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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Rented
Give
Ticket
Back
Lottery
Giving
Tickets
Dollars
Million
Humor
Millions
More quotes by Steven Wright
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
