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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Dollars
Million
Humor
Millions
Funny
Rented
Give
Ticket
Back
Lottery
Giving
Tickets

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright