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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Back
Lottery
Giving
Tickets
Dollars
Million
Humor
Millions
Funny
Rented
Give
Ticket

More quotes by Steven Wright

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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright