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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Millions
Funny
Rented
Give
Ticket
Back
Lottery
Giving
Tickets
Dollars
Million
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
