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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Make
Nibble
Swiss
Cheese
Holes
Bigger
Humor
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright