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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Swiss
Cheese
Holes
Bigger
Humor
Funny
Make
Nibble

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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