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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Everybody
Lane
Funny
Lanes
Mirror
Mirrors
Lovers
Brought
Humor
Told
Narcissus

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright