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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Lanes
Mirror
Mirrors
Lovers
Brought
Humor
Told
Narcissus
Everybody
Lane

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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